A Broken Heart and A Shattered Dream

It's crazy what a woman can do to your mind. You have this dream of what you want your life to be, and you have it all planned out in your head. It may be a vague plan, but you know the end point, you just don't have a time line. Then comes the baseball through the window.

It's like someone taking a baseball bat to the windshield of your brand new car, that you have yet to insure. Everything shatters and there is no way to replace it. There's just this huge hole in your life that can't be filled. You can get distracted and ignore it, but it always comes back as soon as you take your mind off the road.

You get in your now broken car to take it to the shop and lurch with pain. Glass shards on the seat. It's like there wasn't enough damage done already, they have to do exactly the thing you fear all along. It's like some hidden rule that after breaking your heart, burning it to ash, then leaving the ash on the table between you they have to go and do that one last thing that rubs salt in the wound, so they bend down and blow the ashes off the table onto the floor.

So you're broken, you're shattered, and they're lovin' life. You're in the past, you're history, and all they have to worry about, once they've ground you into the dirt, is gallivanting through green pastures that you two used to share holding hands with another guy, who they barely waited before snatching up.

And even if they didn't immediately run off with some other guy, they usually present that they have. It's the whole rubbing salt in the wound concept, again. They try to drive the stake through your heart and all the way out the back, just so you won't cling on to that shard of hope that you have left that your dream might still come true, and that you have something to look forward to in life.

They can't have you holding on, even if they wanted you to, because it will just make things "too hard".

You know what? Screw the crap! When you love someone, you're not just going to get over them lickity split. It doesn't happen, it won't ever happen, and it's exactly what they all expect and try to force you to do, or it's what they do themselves.

I'm tired of being hurt, I'm tired of being kicked and hit while I'm down, I'm tired of this stupid stupid game. Every time you think you've finally found something that works, they find someway to rip it out of your hands and take away every last shred you thought you had. I'm so incredibly done.

Babies, Missions, and Thanksgiving

A lot has happened since I last wrote. Let me spread the news to the world via the internet and my blog that not many people read.

I had a good friend and two cousins recently come home from their missions. I have yet to see the cousins, but one is moving out near me in January, so I will see him then. My good friend who just got home is one of the coolest guys I know. He seems to be breaking out of his post-mission shell very well.

If you have read my entry about my date attempt, you will know that I was unable to see the play that night. I have seen it now. I went with my missionary buddy. We went in our suits (I bought two of them. One is black, the other black with pin stripes) so that we could feel cool. It was ok. We were both exhausted and it was closing night. I felt like it was a little over-the-top with the craziness, but with Gilbert and Sullivan what else can you expect? After the play we went back to his house and talked for a few hours. It was good.

Two new souls have entered into the world inside my group of friends, one girl and one boy. The girl was born to a single mother, who conceived out of wedlock. Her name is Samara. She is a pretty little baby. The father is going to try to help the mother out, but we'll see if he follows through. The boy was born to a mother who is going through a divorce. The baby was placed up for adoption (though that happens long before the actual birth) and the mother found an absolutely wonderful couple to be his parents. The divorce is now in the process of finalizing, and the mother is recovering well. Bless her heart, she is a hero in a world full of cowards, chaos, and infidelity. I don't know if I would've had the strength to do what she has done, may it all work out for the best.

Thanksgiving is kind of all encompassing for this. There is so much good in my life and the lives of my friends. I talked of the other topics first to show some of what I have going on, for this I am thankful.

I am lucky enough to live close to my parents. I live about 15 minutes away from them. Being single and going to school, I often get asked why I chose to move out if my parents live so close. I've lived there all my life and I love it, but too much of a good thing can be bad. I needed a change of scenery, and have found it. I was just lucky enough to find a good change so close to something I love so much. I went to "visit" my family for thanksgiving. It was fun.

We had already done our big family thanksgiving party, so it was just my immediate family that was going to be present. My mother, being the wonderful woman she is, told me to invite anyone who didn't have a place to go to our house. I invited one of my roomies and one of his friends. His friend was originally going to go somewhere else, but she ended up coming along and bringing another friend.

We had three guests and had a ton of fun, and I am now good friends with both girls. I think I'll dub them my aliens, as they are both weird and foreigners.

That is the time in summary. I am at work at the moment, taking a break, and need to get back to hammering out my code. I will, hopefully, sometime come and write a detailed version of my thanksgiving weekend. I could take up quite a bit of space with that. I'll think up some clever aliases for the aliens, and use them to brighten up the story that I will write.

Until I write again.